This be the rare and beautiful Emmiyuppitus faerie, better known as the wanker Faerie by connoisseurs of true culture and magic. Emmiyuppitus is characterised by its love of all things homoerotic and alternative. If you listen very carefully during September you could possibly hear its mating cry of 'phallus - fantastic', followed by a low humming of inane tunes. If you do hear this cry, know that you could be under attack from this impulsive Faerie. Remember, the Emmiyuppitus means no harm, it just wants a little good ol' fashioned loving. This particular breed has human counterparts. You can often guess a person is of Emmiyuppitus descent if he/she has bright red hair (more often than not of the ancient Henna herb variety), or if he/she behaves irrationally in classes of mathematics. Yes, the Emmiyuppitus faerie is indeed quite an amusing and creative specie of the magical world. (This Faerie will visit your home more often if you leave a choice of bhabbaghanoush, mangoes or grape juice in a distinctive bottle outside your bedroom door….)

Have you been noticing jam sandwiches with bites taken out of them strewn around your house or garden? Beware! The infamous Freekijes has been lurking in your larder. When you are visited by this mischievous, yet relatively harmless bogan Faerie, it means you have done something bad. Always check underneath your couch or beanbag (especially if it be of brown corduroy) for the Freekijes , for it may catch you off guard and steal your bag of chips and/or moccasins. You can usually tell that it's in your house by an echo of 'Hairyguts' or a chorus of 'Dancing Queen' resounding through your corridoors. It's drunken yet sinister chant goes thus: 'I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike..' When you hear its crusading cry of destruction, it is best to go and lock yourself in the athroom where the Freekijes knows it is in danger of having its fleas removed by power of washing. The Freekijes has a group of gene - pool deficient relatives in the visible world, and you can tell them by their grotty hands reaching to their flea - ridden locks, and a large amount of sparkle around the eyes. If you invite the Freekijes into your home, be nice to it, and let it watch re - runs of 'The Love Boat', 'Ricki Lake' and 'The Brady Bunch'. This very special faerie is actually very nice when coerced into cleaning its scalp, and always has a few jokes to tell its victims.

The Artykarty is indeed a rare gem in the realm of the faery world. If you have spotted this delicate being, you must have given your life's supply of chocolate to someone like John Candy.(This is made even harder by the fact that John Candy is dead.) Those who the Artykarty chooses to grace with its presence are usually generous people who like to stick instruments (eg. Musical) in their mouth, and who show a liking to such places as coffee houses and jazz concerts. If you are one of the above people, you may have noticed that large chunks of brie cheese have disappeared from your fridge and that your internet charges have gone up quite a deal. Don't stuff with faeries that have taste. Otherwise you may end up with peroxide in your conditioner, peroxide in your mascara and peroxide on your saxophone mouthpiece. Some humans have connections to this ancient faery being, and you can tell them by their unusual blonde hair markings and their collections of James Morrison CD's. If the Artykarty faery's relative is female, they may very well have many e - mails from suspect young men who flock in bundles, and voluminous bunches of St Valentine's roses all over their home. The original faery's cathcry is something along the lines of "All I wanna do is to thank you, even though I don't know who you are". If you hear this melodious sound, realise you are blessed, disconnect your internet, eat your brie and dye your hair blonde. (Before Artykarty does.)

The Hyposophi is one of the oldest original faeries, and has all the stereotypical characteristics . This faerie is always female, and the human world has long wondered how it keeps reproducing. Many rumor that there is only one Hyposophi and it travels its way around the world. This stunning example of a faerie generally hangs around the bottom of the garden, especially if there is a broad - trunked tree around. It speaks with a voice induced by helium inhilation and enjoys the odd giggle with gnomes and other creatures that live in its magical world. The Hyposophi has many human counterparts, commonly known as very pretty young women. These lucky few often can be identified by their impeccable taste in clothing and room decorating in purple, blue and silver. This can also be seen in the Hyposophi which also clads its petite self in layers of blue and purple, carrying amethysts wherever it goes for good luck. Whenever you are in the company of this happy little being, make sure that all sorts of cordial, especially orange, are out of its way. Once given the concentrate of Kia Ora, this normally adorable creature turns into a head - spinning devil of wrath that chants Spice Girl lyrics ackwards. If by bad luck this happens, send for an exorcist immediately, or gas your home with impulse deoderant. This faery will do you no wrong, although it may eat as many biscuits as possible and steal your video card to borrow James Bond movies. Be kind to the Hyposophi and in return it will sing Spice Girls songs the normal way.

Liaenri is once again a rare and wonderful part of the faery world. This faery is closely related to the freekijes in that they are both of the bogan clan. Liaenri is the patron faery of eightie's rock bands (such as Devo) and orange drumkits. This devious being will curl itself into the bass drum and wreak havoc by nibbling through the skins, all the while singing a hypnotic chorus of: "Music is crap, the aliens told us so." So long as you're not a bogan Devo - loving orange drumkit player, you do not have much chance of seeing this fascinating faery. It has a mop of blonde hair that covers a finely carved face. If you do get to see its face, find out if its eyes are grey or blue, since that fact has yet to have been discovered. Liaenri has many relatives in the human world. These are usually found as female roadies to Australian bands, or lighting/sound crew assistants. To find out if you are truly talking to a relative of the Liaenri ask it a question. If the answer is short, sharp, honest and insulting, you have struck bogan faerie. Those who can get close to this being are often very lucky to get some of its wit and determination, if not a piece of orange drumkit. (To entertain a faery such as this, hire out movies like Dead Man and maybe Kalifornia) (Maybe not.)

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